Yvonne Foong: Fighting NF

My family had dinner at the nearby Mamak shop yesterday. The waiters misunderstood my mother’s instructions and served us more than we had ordered. Mom also thought they forgot Dad’s Roti Canai. She got a little frustrated and brought this matter up with the waiters. It turned into a light argument as I started to eat my piece.

Dad became affected by the argument between Mom and one of the waiters, and he added his share of displeasure. I guess the waiter eventually threw up his hands and stepped away. Alarmed by this, my Dad raised his voice - the very voice that terrified me as a child.

Sensing his aggression, Mom and I ate and minded our own business, hoping the silence will pacify Dad.

I was tempted to tell him immediately that it wasn’t nice to yell at people especially in public.

But I knew better than to say anything when I remembered how Dad punished himself two days ago after I got upset with him for gobbling down all the chocolate cookies.

I could only hope the Mamak shop guys sensed that something wasn’t quite right with my dad so that they will not take his aggression to heart.

As you can see, the actions of my mother and I are closely related to dad’s odd behaviors.

Psychologists use a number of theories to guide their approaches to treating people with mental problems. The image of a couch facing a passive therapist have long passed. Contemporary theorists today actively approach problems and aim to solve present problems rather than looking to the past for meanings.

An example of contemporary psychology is Systems Theory. According to this theory, the state of our minds, our actions, and behaviors are interdependent within the family. When someone in the family is thought to have mental problems and maladaptive behaviors, the therapist will work with the patient, and may also have additional sessions with other family members who are thought to have strong influences on the patient’s behavior. In System Theory, the family or other members in the family system may really be the one that is problematic while the patient’s maladaptive behavior is a symptom of the larger problem.

Therefore, I need to find a therapist who not only sees my dad, but a therapist who uses systems theory as a guide to his or her therapeutic approaches.

If mom did not yell “Stupid husband!”. Dad will not yell “Idiot wife!”.

When Dad came back from a surgery to remove the Cataracts in his left eye last Wednesday, he spot a new packet of chocolate cookies my friend gave as souvenir. He guzzled everything although we had lunch together one hour ago.

I was obviously upset when I couldn’t find the packet anymore. Dad was idling in the living room when I asked “Where did the cookies go? Did you eat it? Did you finish everything? Why did you finish everything?”. Dad tried to reply. But he looked confused. “I…erh…yeah…”

He could not remember if he ate it. Or if he ate it, he could not remember if he finished it”.

At this, I retreated to the kitchen to contain my disappointment. When I came back five minutes later, I found Dad sitting at the same spot and pealing off the bandage that a nurse had used to cover a very large wound on his leg that morning. He had the distant look while doing this, without paying attention to the bandage itself.

“Dad! Why did you remove the bandage?”

He looked away and did not reply.

My heart ached. I cried recalling this episode later at night.

I am so sorry.

Dad was hurting himself because he felt guilty for hurting me.

Before Dad had the Cataracts, he would have yelled and sent his voice thundering whenever I asked him about the things he did.

The Cataracts changed him but it was neither for better nor worse. Just different.

He is confused and does not always know what he is doing. But instead of expressing his confusion in anger and rage like before, he has started to put the blame upon himself silently.

Dad has always blame himself. Seeing him peel off a necessary bandage to unveil a gruesome Diabetic wound, I understood why he steadfastly refused hospital treatment for his many health problems in the past.

My dad is hurt by his own incompetence. Maybe he believes that he deserves the pain.

Yesterday, I sent an e-mail to Marian, the Head Lecturer of my department in college asking for contact details of a Psychiatrist who visited in April. I also found out that Marian’s husband is a Psychotherapist who does Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy that can help post-stroke patients ventilate and make sense of their emotions.

But he works in Bandar Tun Razak’s HUKM. That is a long journey from my home. Dad’s blood pressure is very high and may not be able to endure traveling so far by public transport.

On the other hand, the psychiatrist who paid my college a visit works at the nearby UMMC and lectures at IMU.

I am still undecided on where to go. It’s tempting to visit HUKM because the doctor is a person related to someone I am familiar with.

Psychiatry is still an eluding realm, an unfamiliar territory to me. Unlike getting treatment for NF which I have seven years of experience, I am cautious about being mislead while seeking treatment for my father.

If I make the wrong choice for myself, I will be the only one bearing the consequences. But if I make the wrong choice for my dad, I will be implicating him.