Yvonne Foong: Fighting NF

Liz Holzemer wrote about feelings of deja vu just before she was diagnosed with a meningioma in the brain. The subtle differences in her body told her something was wrong. She went for surgery and recovered. The experience changed her life for the better. She is now an advocate and supporter of brain tumor research.

Like Yuin Yin said, living with a chronic and uncertain illness is not something you can fathom with logical imaginations. I sometimes share Liz’s feelings of deja vu, which others conveniently disregard because they think I am being overly sensitive. I often wonder what are some people thinking when they tell me, “Don’t be silly lah. You’ll be fine,” and go on blabbering about their self-indulgence. Whether they are banishing my thoughts with good intentions, or they think my feelings are unimportant, I become more withdrawn as a result, encaved in my own world where my thoughts are the best medicine.

NF has become who I am. This deja vu feeling has given me a purpose to live. Without it, I might be out clubbing with friends from night till dawn, become a wasteful shopaholic, or be entrapped by insecurity, peer pressure, and the pursuit of physical beauty.

This afternoon, while waiting for Ayumu to drop by, I cut up some celery, mushroom, and heated up creamy mushroom soup. Stiring the pot, it came to me how the food I choose to eat nourishes my body, the body that has defined who I am, this body that is giving way to the curveball of fate. I am proud to be an NF patient, and I do not envy healthy people.

Somewhere in me, I wish this summer vacation could last longer, but time is passing quickly in a breeze.