Yvonne Foong: Fighting NF

I have always needed a new desk chair to improve my back support. But having been raised the Buddhist way with Aunt Ivy, replacing one that isn’t broken is like growing worldly Attachments. I don’t want to be tied down to this house, so for years, I have used a wooden dining chair at least two decades old that ached my back.

Reuben tells me that Siddharta Gautama taught His disciples about the Middle Path in His time because people then were at two extremes. They were either living in seclusion or ecstatic towards cultural practices. Too much of one thing is never good, so the Buddha taught us to strike a balance.

But as time passed, the understanding of Buddhism spread and was interpreted so widely that sometimes, this notion of Detachment seems impractical. To answer why doesn’t it seem practical anymore, we have to go back in history like I just did. Ah, then we can see that it is still relevant today. We just need to view it in context.

I have also misunderstood. One does not need to curb our feelings or prune relationships. Achieving Detachment the Buddhist way does not mean we ought to live like monks (although the monks might think so).

Detachment comes with Acceptance.

When I started raising funds for surgery in 2005, I received so much kindness from people that I could not even imagine was happening to me. It caused me to feel shameful for my own lack of kindness and guilt for not being worthy enough to have received them. This was my Superego acting up, like Psychologists say. So after coming back from surgery, I struggled very hard to reinvent myself. I wanted my donors to feel they have supported a worthy person.

Then Pei Lee came along. This was a big blow to my conscience. Although we both endure the same illness, Pei Lee has been given much less opportunities to develop her talents. This seemed like injustice. It was not fair for me have such comfort while Pei Lee lived in misery. So I thought of many ways of how I could help.

But it did not feel right. Was I really helping Pei Lee? Whenever we met, I was always the one keeping conversations alive, leaving Pei Lee to piece the bits and pieces of whatever I said. Sometimes, I wondered if she heard me at all. Was my encouragement what she really needed?

I soon learned that is not always necessary.

Pure Altruism does not exist. When we attempt to be absolutely altruistic, as I have tried while reaching out to Pei Lee, we risk crossing personal boundaries and force our lives onto the people we try to help. Altruism often leads to the denial of an individual’s value, as Ayn Rand puts it.

So instead of doing charity and being altruistic, Ethical Egoists favor the promotion of one’s own self-interest. This enhances personal agency and autonomy – in Scientific Psychology language. Self-interest here refers to the betterment of one’s quality of life, such as through education and a stable career. Do not confuse it with materialism. This theory holds that when everyone is capable of securing and maintaining their own interests, they would become independent and able to take care of themselves. This creates a much better world than one filled with multitudes of charitable organizations that magnify the hardships of some groups of society, turning them into a vicious cycle. As if sufferings were an identity.

I came to a close brush myself. When I began to raise funds, I started to think like a PR officer and view the world from the eyes of Media Agencies. It wasn’t hypocrisy. Everything I said under that frame of mind still had to get the green light from my conscience. Do I believe in this? Yes, then it is okay to say. Ah, but is it news worthy? Yeah, but maybe in the second paragraph, not the Lead.

That was who I thought I was. But as I got behind the microphone and met people who wanted to know how a girl dire of surgery would be, I guiltily appealed to them for understanding. I told them that I used to dance, skate, and sing. Now I couldn’t. And I wanted the ABI so that I could continue to hear.

The benefits of the ABI is real. It helps me to be aware of my surroundings and saves me from danger, especially walking on streets. So I did not lie.

However, as I appealed to people for empathy and kindness, I was silently appealing to myself for Acceptance.

But matters got worse. Here I was, trying to feel okay about raising funds, without knowing the underlying problem was the lack of self-acceptance. To top it off, I began sensing that people were viewing me as just a ‘charity case’ and not as a person.

Inferiority complex!

I came down hard, giving myself no room to relax. I thought I should not slack. Live like a martyr for every penny’s worth. I went back to college, determined to fulfill my childhood dream and give it back to society through my career, but with the wrong premise.

As we discovered oedema building up in my brain from the result of all these lack of self-acceptance, I began to reconsider the meaning of my life and my priorities.

I am finally coming to feel content. When people donate and support me, they don’t always expect me to pay it back. Not that life is a vending machine. Reading Randy Pausch’s book line by line with a magnifying glass and then switching to reading Braille when my eyes get tired, I understood that being inspirational doesn’t mean we do great things for people.

What’s really inspirational is in really living your dreams and your life with contentment. So many of us thought we are content but live life like there is no tomorrow so today must not be wasted.

How could I ever be content if I could not accept today?

Mom and I worked together as we assembled my new desk chair. With dad and his brain trauma, mom and I pretty much do all the physical work at home. I used to be short-tempered and impatient. But today, the success of assembling this simple chair made me so happy, that I gave mom a very big hug, for the very first time